Just like a normal, gradually widening society of peoples, the so-called cyberspace has indeed grown profoundly with international computer users during the course of time, starting with the invention of the Internet which revolutionized the capabilities of the computer, stretching its uses to the point that it grants us the possibility of communicating with people wherever in the four corners of the world. Just like a normal, gradually learning society, people had formed some sort of “cyber civilization” in the form of what you call a forum, which serves as a medium for voicing out ideas and opinions, interacting and making friends with others in cyberspace, another brilliant idea of mankind.
Setting that aside, we all know that the system of a forum starts with the creation of a topic, followed by the expression of ideas about the issue. As a forum develops with its members, so as friendship bonds and fortifies. Making friends is inevitable especially on interactive sites, and this is always a good thing. But as to every home, there are always rules, regulations and requirements to be followed. Now why are there these rules? Just like what a parent does to a child, rules are a form of disciplinary instructions for the welfare of the child. Meaning, rules are meant to discipline the child for him to grow decent and be responsible. There’s nothing harmless about it right?
However, despite the obviously harmless rules the administration of a forum enforces, as to a family, there are always black sheep on the bunch that even further improvisations of the rules can’t suppress. We are going to summarize all of them as n00bs. Hold on to your seat and understand as we embark on the dark complexities concerning these enigmas of idiocy known as n00bs.
n00bs, first and foremost, are far different from newbies. Newbies are people who are new to a forum and quite innocent at first, but displays decency and sense, whereas n00bs are generally annoying and nonsensical people who post usually balderdash in cyberspace. As criminals are to a country, n00bs are found everywhere. Another thing you must know about them is that they frequently violate, or in some cases, ignore the rules instated by the webmasters, some that even a toddler could follow without mistakes. N00bs have an arsenal of verbal weapons as well that could permanently impair your cerebrum:
1. Spam – a moronic message that generally includes less than 5 words, wherein a subject and a predicate is usually absent and always express zero thought. Nausea and headache-inducing if you try to decipher what they were trying to say.
Example: POSTER 1: Welcome to our forums!
POSTER 2: Hi
2. Sticky Caps – a slightly annoying form of post that feature alternate big and small caps that irritates and slightly dazes incoming readers.
Example: hI i Am tHe GiRlY gIrL fRoM tG fOrUmS!
3. Txt Speak – another slightly irritating form of post that shortens words so that it will be “easier” to type, but removes the essence of the English language. It’s oftentimes merged with Sticky Caps, resulting in a phenomenal eyesore.
Example: SuM1 iS n0T oN tYm
Note: Txt Speak is different on 1337 speak, which we would tackle later.
4. PMA (Punctuation Mark Abuse) – The name says for itself. It is the process of using punctuation marks so excessively it looks disturbing.
Example: I see...........,,,,,,,,,, Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. Flamebait – An anger-provoking post meant to start a flame war. This can be highly dangerous upon usage, especially by n00bs.
Example: POSTER 1: Hey there, just passing by.
POSTER 2: You fucking asshole.
6. Language-murdering – A total disgrace to whatever language you’re using. With this, the n00b violates the basic principles of a dialect, turning it into an incoherent, crappy lump of words. Unless asked to do so for the lulz, stay away from this stuff, my child.
Example: I was think of the had to be the solution.
One of these weapons used and abused, then all hell breaks loose in a forum. Then there’s this big question mark for those n00bs itching to use these stuff to wreak havoc. Why do you do this? Would there be a benefit from you doing this? Well, if you count getting pwned or banned (which we would discuss later) then there is. With spamming, is it really difficult to post some sense and type some keys to create a sentence? With the exception of a totally brainless individual, I see no difficulty in creating a well-formed sentence, which just associates simple Grade 1 English.
With Sticky Caps and Txt Speak, we’re not on a cellphone, and there are no limits to usage of characters, so I see no reason to ridiculously shorten words. If you think doing these silly playing on words would make you cool, think again. This just proves your indecency and incapability of speaking properly.
With PMA, aren’t you satisfied with just one proper punctuation mark? It would just confuse people and give you a bad image about not studying sentence construction at school.
With flamebaiting, this thing’s too specialized for a person like you. Before being an arse to somebody by posting rudely, think again. It might bring to your own destruction.
And if you’re planning to murder the universal language, think about how the civilization squeezed their brains dry to formulate a fully-operational dialect that everyone could use for the better, and you’re just gonna disgrace it? C’mon, you can do better than that.
Now that we’ve discussed the first part of their diabolical abilities, let’s move to the next level.
Here, we are going to discuss what further anomalies these guys could do when not given urgent attention and reprimanding. Be it horrible or utterly disgusting, this is an important know-to if you want to survive amongst the n00bs.
First and foremost, I’ve developed a system of classification for increased clarity about the truth about these fellows. These attention whores may vary from slight to evil. Let’s discuss each n00b and their alarming abilities.
1. The Innocent n00b – A by-product of a newbie, who is subjected to a small dose of n00bishness, thus this one can be easily remedied. This one is usually capable of spam, txt speak and sticky caps, PMA and language-murdering.
2. The Clueless Moron – A type of n00b who is incapable of learning and understanding the rules. Sometimes this guy doesn’t even know why he’s in a certain thread or what kind of thread is that. He is also considered clueless, if not being a crybaby, when subjected to correction and reprimanding. Capabilities include spam, txt speak, sticky caps, language-murdering, and being off-topic.
3. The Necromancer – You may think that this is a cool name, but actually this is just full of folly and lack of common sense. The necromancer disrupts the peace of the slumbering thread souls by posting in it, and voila! A thread revived! Seriously, what is the point of digging up topics that nobody wants to talk about? This is a big no-no to forum decency. Capabilities include the same as the Innocent n00b’s plus Necromancy.
4. The Troll – An advanced level of the Moron, only this time, this fellow stands with one cause, to disrupt peaceful conversations. You see, this guy swoops down and started scattering useless gossips and offending messages that is meant to disrupt and cause chaos and woe within the harmony of a certain topic and the poor chaps in it, making it off-topic from on-topic. Capabilities include the same as the Moron, plus Emotional Provocation.
5. The Flamebaiter – A type of a braggart n00b that posts with the sole purpose of hurting and provoking a member or members into a bloody flame war. The baiter simply posts one idiotic, yet seriously offending message, and all hell is unleashed. Ah, the dangers of flamebaiting. Capabilities include the same as the Innocent n00b’s, plus Invite Flame War.
6. The Malicious Jerk – This poor chap who’s possessed by anger and lust is an advanced type of n00b who posts malicious materials on the forum. Be it porn, or infected website, you get the idea. These are also the ones who show malice and horniness even in their posts. This is a danger to other members, especially young ones, so kids, watch out for these jerks. Capabilities include the same as the Innocent n00b’s, plus Post Malice and Sadomasochism.
7. The Hypocrite – For some, posts from these guys may look pretty okay at first, but if you scrutinize it a bit further, you’ll be surprised to see that they actually contradict themselves. Example, he likes Twilight, but he expresses his hate for it on some other threads. Another example is a guy who tells another guy his grammar sucks, when his own does too. You get the idea. Slightly annoying, but potentially dangerous when unattended. Capabilities include the same as the Innocent n00b’s, plus Self-Damage.
8. The Plagiarist – This is a type of n00b who rips works from more respectable members, be it foreign or local, and claims it as his own. Not only this violates a worldly recognized law about copyright, but also this seriously gives a bad image to a guy, making him unoriginal, a copycat, and a certified n00b. Capabilities include the same as the Innocent n00b’s, plus Steal.
9. The Thread Rapist – This poor guy is a type of a n00b that repeatedly posts on a certain thread, double-posting, triple-posting, quadruple-posting, quintuple-posting, sextuple-posting, and so on, either he doesn’t know it’s wrong, or for the sake of raising his post count. Seriously now, doing this just to gain higher ranks is a sign of n00bishness, so quit it before you finally succumb with your obsession to become the Ultimate Rapist. Capabilities include the same as Innocent n00b’s, plus Double-Posting, and Upgrade Double-Posting.
10.The Parasite – This one is a type of n00b who seems to literally stick to a member or members, as a parasite is to a host. Usually, parasites tend to stick with other members without their consent in hopes of gaining fame and people forgetting their faults and other stuff. I mean, it’s okay to be amazed and be a fan of a member, but some people sometimes use this as an advantage so they can look “good” to others because they’re “friends” with this guy. Pretty like the “social climber” of cyberspace. Capabilities include the Innocent n00b’s, plus Social Climbing.
11. The Pseudo-Elite – This guy is an advanced type of the Parasite, only this time his vanity is deemed uncontrollable that he thinks that he himself is elite and higher than everybody else, when actually he’s not. He usually brags about how he’s higher than everyone else and ends up contradicting himself (because he’s the n00b) and getting pwned in the end. So yeah, this pseudo-elite guy rapes the capital sin, “pride” and ends up as a total jerk in a forum. Capabilities include the same as the Hypocrite and the Parasite plus, Impenetrable, Indestructible, Effing Pride.
12. The Public Enemy – The magnum opus after being subjected to extreme, to the point of being unbearable n00bishness upon a person, the public enemy. The public enemy is a deranged creature who shamelessly uses the entire arsenal of verbal nonsense and inhibits at least seven to all the n00b types mentioned above. The Public Enemy is like a terrorist who is capable of destroying the peace of an entire forum, anger everyone piping-hot, and still laughs maniacally from the front of his computer as pandemonium takes place before him. We don’t know whether he’s psychotic, oppressed emo or deprived of love from his pet dog, but we know one thing; he’s EBIL. He takes all the epic fail and still raises his chin with pride. How adorably pathetic.
Note: A n00b can be considered a Hybrid when he inhibits more than one n00b type, but not more than seven. Capisce?
Now that we’ve classified the different qualities of a n00b, let us now tackle the other side of the war.
1. The Freemen – These are the guys who independently roam the forums and show decency and act normally when in interaction. Just like freemen in real life, they are free from n00bishness and have pleasant customs which I hope n00bs would catch, so in other words, they’re fully human. Capabilities include Sense, Good English, and Slight Reprimanding.
2. The Pwners – Also a type of freemen, only this time they’re ready for castigating n00bs alongside moderators and administrators. They’re fun and also sensible to be with, though a force to be reckoned with when put at a battlefield. The most hated enemy of the n00bs. Capabilities include the same as Freemen, plus pwnage and 1337 speak for some pwners.
Note: Pwnage – A term used to express one's act or state of elite performance.
1337 speak – A language in which numbers and symbols are put together to look like letters.
(Kudos to urbandictionary)
3. The Moderators – The right-hand men of the Administrators, these tough fellows are no pushovers. Aside from being sensible and responsible, these guys can easily pwn n00b dens and hell-raised threads by their locking powers, and transport misguided thread to where they really belong, thanks to the admins. Most moderators also have a system wherein freemen can report complaints and other stuff to them, and it’s up to these fellows to clean up the job. Capabilities include the same as the Pwners, plus Report, and Lock and Move Thread.
4. The Administrators – The lords of the forum. They can alter forum realities by snapping their fingers and intimidate everyone into strictly following the rules. If the situation requires, admins can harness their energy and subject a particular individual into a suspension, and by a little more energy focusing, can totally banish a n00b into the depths of cyberspace hell through the feared IP Ban. However, most admins are really rare to even show up, and the n00bs take advantage of this. If only they were present a bit more often, then harmony of forums would be much more guaranteed. Capabilities include the same as the Moderators, plus Alter Cyber Reality, Temp Ban, and IP Ban.
These two sides constantly battle each other for the equilibrium of a forum. Bloody as it may be, yet this is reality, to the point of being common in cyberspace. However, even though the good guys drain their brain cells dry and bruise their fingers, like raw evil, n00bs cannot be totally eradicated. Now, as we partake with the last section of this random piece of my mind, we try to counsel these lost sheep into realizing that what they’re doing is making them an idiot and it’s time for turning over a new leaf.
First off, what was your inspiration to do this? Be it extreme depression and deprivation of affection, this is cyberspace, dude. It’s pointless to bring your real-life problems to the ‘Net (unless you’re asking for advices), with you only ending up to be a n00b, so please don’t do so. Using your personal problems as a reason for doing this is just unacceptable. Yes, you have problems, but don’t tell me you don’t have decency and sense! If you want to seek help, why not act human and humbly ask for help, not go berserk at everyone you see, unless you’re pleading for pwnage. This is not a movie, kid. With the wrong approach, rocks will come to you instead of bread. No one will bother to understand you if you’re acting like a jerk.
For those guys who are currently sulking in a corner, or shaking with fury because they got pwned, I’ve got some friendly advice for you fellows. Let’s retrace each of our steps and ponder in our noggins, why did they pwn me in the first place? Surely they have a reason for pwning you, otherwise they’ll be psychos. Was it because you’re being a n00b? Was it because you tripped on one of the rules? Was it because you provoked a guy in the first place? Was it because you’re plainly idiotic? If you want to, why not read your previous battles with the pwners and see for yourself. If you figured it out and there was indeed something wrong with you, then maybe it’s time for realization and compromise.
We guys correct you, not bully you or humiliate you just for the lulz, except if you’re really asking for it. You commit mistakes, so we correct you. You don’t want to carry that idiocy on other forums, right? So somehow, you’ve got us to somehow thank, but it’s still up to you if you’ll observe what we taught you or continue your stupidity. But keep this in mind; being a n00b won’t make you famous, or get sympathy. You’ll be famous, though, as the biggest fool ever to step on a forum or the most pitiful being ever existed. Well, if you want to be famous that way then go for it.
We pwn with a reason. We pwn because we want you to change, to realize your mistakes and be a better forum member. We speak harshly because we must have the guarantee that you will change, just as how a parent scold his child for the better, you get the idea. Life is tough, and cyberspace is no excuse, and this is a way of preparing you for the advanced toughness of other forums. What would likely happen to you if you’re still a n00b and step in to a high-class forum?
Why not try being decent for a change? Why not take a peek at the set of forum rules dancing before your eyes? You’ll discover that they only enforced these rules because they want every member to be disciplined, and be a model to others. Why not try capitalizing the first letter in your post and the letter after a period? Looking at a well-formed sentence is very good to the eye, isn’t it? The best part, it’s not even tiring!
If you’re ever posting on a topic, why not read the first post to know what it’s all about? Not only you’ll be spared from reprimanding, you’ll also be on-topic, and you’ll enjoy the fun of talking with the rest of the forum guys. If you’re ever to participate in a debate, be sure to pick one side, and defend it with everything you know about it with sense and proper grammar. That way, not only you’ll avoid getting off-topic, not only you’ll avoid being hypocritical, but also your co-debaters will take you seriously. Reps up for you, dude!
Sense is a crucial ingredient to surviving a forum. If you’re sensible to talk to, if you’re sensible in what you’re doing, then you’ll be completely fine. A well-known quote says, “Common sense is not so common.” Let us disprove that quote and act intelligently.
These pieces of advice are meant for those misguided fellows whom we want to go back to the right track. For those idiots who are born to piss off people and wreak havoc and chaos just for the lulz, I have not a slightest bit of concern for you at all except arranging a therapy with the best psychologist ASAP for signs of mental retardation.
If you’re really willing to change, then nothing can stop you, even you’re flamed and battered in the past, if you’re willing to become a better person, then congratulations, for you’re on your way to goodness. Remember:
“What we do is not bullying. What we do is a more effective form of diplomacy.”
Confidently saying that he’s a Freeman,
archeafable
Note: If there had been any similarities between this article and the others of the same genre, this is completely unintentional.
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